This recipe is dedicated to my dear sister who, by not arriving until tomorrow, made it possible to make it.
What you need:
Portabella mushroom caps
White wine (you can use cooking wine, but you're not supposed to drink that. Unless you're out of regular wine)
Cut up your potatoes into quarters or, for those of you who are bad at math, pieces that could be quarters. Look, if God wanted you to be precise, He would've made uniform potatoes. Boil the potatoes until you can easily pierce them with your stabbin' fork.
While potatoes are cooking, cut up mushrooms and scallions. Combine mushrooms, scallions, about a tablespoon of butter, and some wine in a pot. Add as much damn garlic as you want. Cook over medium heat, stirring frequently. If the spirit moves you, add some more wine. If it's been one of those Christmases, add some wine to yourself. You've earned it.
Drain and mash the potatoes (you know that weird thing that looks like a branding iron or some sort of Medieval torture device? That's a potato masher!) Add a modest amount of milk--how much depends on how much liquid there still is in the wine/butter/mushrooms/scallions mixture. Add that in with the potatoes and continue mashing. The potatoes should be creamy, but not diluted. If this doesn't happen, apply wine to yourself until you no longer care about the potatoes.