Monday, January 28, 2013

Let there be light

Back in 2010, I discovered embroidery.  You could make all kinds of pictures without being limited by squares!  It was so much faster!  Holy crap, I kind of suck at satin stitch!  I'm too stupid to keep track of what colors I used without an actual pattern!

My greatest talent in needlecrafts is starting a bunch of projects, getting distracted, and stuffing the unfinished projects into a bag that may or may not ever be opened again.

One day while dicking around on Amazon, I discovered embroidery paints.  Which are expensive, so this eventually lead me to think of Sharpies.  While there are actual fabric markers, they're complete bullshit.  The sadistic bastard who created fabric markers designed them so that they would never move smoothly on fabric.  I had no idea if Sharpies would be any better, but I did enjoy writing on my own clothes as a child.  Like most childhood prodigies, I was often bored in school and would do things that are either a sign of great intelligence or sheer stupidity.  I also once cut a hole in the knee of my pants because I wanted to see what would happen.  Experimental design like this is why I didn't end up in a STEM career.

I still need to clean up the rest of the shirt.  I cut the sleeves and the collar off, but I'm pretty happy with my tracing skills.  And my instincts were right: Banana Clip Yellow Sharpie worked better than Normal People Yellow on the blue fabric.  That's right; my instincts only work for arts and crafts.

Monday, January 14, 2013

I'll Punish You!

This is a special order from Kendra.  Or for Kendra?  The important thing is I figured out the hair and Kendra gave me money.

Kristen mocked me for cutting out little crescent moons and delicately placing them on the boots, but look at this attention to detail!  This is some fine god damned craftsmanship.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Depressing scavenger hunt

This year was a difficult holiday.  My grandfather was in the hospital on Christmas, and he was very weak after coming home.  My family was there for the weekend after Christmas, and my father spent most of the time helping my grandfather with his mobility issues and doing the things my grandfather used to do (making the coffee, getting the mail, etc).

I was staying in the house.  The house now smells weird.  Other family members have been helping clean the house and move things out of the house, but the house still smells weird and is full of junk.  I went over with Kristen to get ready for a Salvation Army run and see if there was anything I wanted.  I moped my way through the costume jewelry and took a tile I'd ordered during a trip to Solvang, CA.  Still in its plastic even though I was toodling around California a decade ago (and the bummer continues!).  In my grandparents' defense, the tile is of a family crest, and family crests for people whose surname used to change once a generation are probably bullshit.  Oh, and they still have a house full of stuff.

Kristen asked if the few pins, tile, and felt bat magnet were all I wanted.  And then she mocked me for rescuing one of the fish pans from the Salvation Army pile. We shall see who has the last laugh when I make some gross gelatin dessert with my fish pan and she can't have any!

For most of the clean up effort I've felt that I would never find anything in their house that would give me as much joy as the time I discovered my cousins' abandoned My Little Ponies.  This feeling did not take into account staying in the house alone with no TV and no internet.

I found some postcards my great-great aunt and great-grandparents had received just in a box on an old writing desk.  I don't know if they'd been there when I'd look through stuff as a kid or if I just didn't give a shit about postcards from 1923 when I was 10.  They've been rescued along with a picture of my grandmother and a button pin from General Motors' 1940 World's Fair exhibit.

By the time I got to the drawer of patterns, I was in full scavenge mode.  I ended up grabbing pattern books for things I can't even do.  I figured we could all have a good laugh at men's knits on the internet, and then I'd list them on eBay.

I've added the crotch glow, but I want you to know that at least half of these pictures feature a man casually posing with a pipe.

Unfortunately there are no instructions for how to find an elephant belt.

This would be a good investment for the modern hipster.  Seriously, hipsters, who would think of bringing this look back?  This would be the least mainstream thing you could possibly wear.

I like that nearly all of these models (including the dog) feel slightly embarrassed to be wearing these things.  I guess the dog coat isn't as bad as the little shoes.

According to this, knitting is pretty much like calling somebody up.  Or texting for you 21st century Almost Teens.  Except you guys can just buy cheap clothes for less than it would cost to buy enough yarn for some of these projects lol.