Monday, February 27, 2012

Tuppence the bag

I've been feeding the birds for awhile, using some suet cages in the front yard and a series of bird feeders out back.  And by "feeding the birds" I mean "feeding the squirrels who destroy everything."  After the squirrels gnawed through several bird feeders, I tried a hanging basket that is supposed to be either squirrel proof or squirrel tamper proof.  The first day it was out, a squirrel climbed inside the feeder and got stuck.  I had to go out with gardening gloves and a plant stake to rescue a squirrel from the squirrel proof feeder.

The hot pepper suet feeders seem to work, but they're expensive.  So I realized that I could combine cheap bird seed, something lard like, and hot sauce to create my own.  Take that, squirrels!


  • Crisco from the closet that's probably not toxic since I assume it's mostly plastic and butter flavoring anyway
  • Bird seed
  • Hot sauce
  • The metal cupcake wrappers that I hate
  • Plastic straws
  • Microwave safe mixing bowl
  • Stirring implements
First, melt the Crisco in the microwave.  It will smell like the movie theater from Hell.  And then, once it's mostly melted, add the hot sauce, and it will smell even worse.  You probably think I'm joking, but the smell of melted Crisco and Tabasco sauce has got to be one of the worst things I've even smelled in my life.  It doesn't get any better once you stir in the seeds.

Once this abomination of food-like substances has been combined, pour/scrape/scoop it into the cupcake wrappers.  A cupcake pan would probably help them retain their shape.  Once they're been poured, put pieces of plastic straws in the middle to create holes.  Put the hideous things in the fridge and pray that they don't infuse all your normal food with Hell Popcorn stench.

After chilling and then freezing, I discovered that my cunning plan with straws (to make holes to pass string through) didn't work.  Plan B: drop the horrible little things into a suet cage, hang them from a tree, and never speak of this again.

If I've learned anything from this project, it's that making your own birdseed suet...whatevers is an abomination unto the Lord.  We should all just buy this crap premade as nature intended.  I would just let the birds fend for themselves, but Zoot likes watching them out the window.

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